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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Matt's LiveJournal:
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| Wednesday, August 10th, 2005 | | 3:30 am |
 - You Are The Wayward Heart"Feel Better."You are best described as 'Emotional Support'. Anytime an emotional issue comes up or something stresses people out, you are there to help them feel better about it. Whether you are the prankster of the bunch, the funny one, the wild one, or just the shoulder to cry on - your traits favor what it takes to keep people going. You like large groups of people and have many friends. When something hits home for you, however, you have a hard time with it. You also have difficulty paying attention or focusing on one thing. Above all, though, if people are happy, you are happy. Which Classic Story Role Do You Play? brought to you by Quizilla 1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you. 2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. 3) I'll pick a flavor/color of Jello to wrestle with you in. (Maybe.) 4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. 5) I'll tell you my first memory of you. 6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of. 7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you. 8) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. Current Mood:  goodCurrent Music: Gorrilaz - Feel Good Inc. | | Friday, April 29th, 2005 | | 11:35 am |
Your brain: 100% interpersonal, 120% visual, 100% verbal, and 80% mathematical!
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Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers.
Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:
- Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
- Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
- Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 84% on interpersonal |
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You scored higher than 81% on visual |
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You scored higher than 84% on verbal |
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You scored higher than 67% on mathematical |
| Yay balance? XD Current Mood: Great!Current Music: Quaint little silence | | Monday, April 18th, 2005 | | 10:20 pm |
'Ey!
Reply with your ~name~ (Or username) and I'll tell you something I adore about you. Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal. AKA "Campaign Make Everyone Like Themselves. =^_____^=" So... the name is a bit weird, but the idea is good. Fire away, peoples. Current Mood: goodCurrent Music: Bulldog Mansion - Happy Birthday To Me | | Tuesday, March 29th, 2005 | | 8:46 pm |
Busy busy busy
Tomorrow, I'mma head out camping with my family, and the same day I get back, an old friend gets back into town for nine days. Big party between the first and the tenth.. and on top of this, a big Halo 2 game is planned at Casey's abode this weekend. My days be packed o.o;; And now, testage!
White Mage
You scored 33% physical, 60% magic, 38% versatile, and 77% good! |
| You are a very mystical, caring person. You seek to ease the suffering of those around you, and as a result you have a mastery of healing and defensive magic. You are extremely valuable to your team because you can heal people's wounds instantly and protect them from further harm. You are also the bane of the undead, and all foes should watch out when you pull out Holy, the smiting judgement of the gods. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 33% on physical |
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You scored higher than 81% on mystical |
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You scored higher than 30% on versatile |
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You scored higher than 91% on good |
| Current Mood: great!Current Music: 3 by 5 - John Mayer | | Monday, February 14th, 2005 | | 8:45 pm |
Great weather=Good feelings
It's one of those posts again. The kind where I comment on the weather and how optimistic and nostalgic it makes me. But, I'm not going into detail since there's an abundance of other entries to draw those from. *Just* got over the flu.. or rather, I'm at the very end of getting over it. Had it for a whole week, and I've not felt that sick in a long *long* time. Made me miss out on the first session of a new D&D campaign I'm running in with the usual group, plus a couple others. I've got great friends, and a comfortable life, the only downside being that I have a *shit* job. I hate the place so damn much. In any case, I'm generally happy with my life, and it's a feeling that's been pretty consistent for the past few months.. even during work. It's also Valentine's Day, and some call it Singles Appreciation Day. Anybody *with* a significant other should be doing or already have done something special for them. Let 'em know you care, and that you love them. If you have, kudos! Here's hoping the relationship stays healthy, and that you have fun today especially. If you *don't* have a significant other, then it's no big deal, you've got other things to be happy for, and you might want to treat this like any other Monday. As for those few who are getting down, moping over the fact they don't have anyone to share their special brand of love with.. get over it? It's a bit stupid to stew over what you see as a misfortune, just because other people around you have something you believe is your right to have up front, since lesser men and women than you have it too. Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: OC Remix - Ascension to Cosmo Canyon | | Sunday, February 6th, 2005 | | 1:53 am |
Lil survey thingy
Huzzah! Feel free to fill this out, I'll be sure to do the same if you post this in your journal. 1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. Do you have a crush on me? 5. Would you kiss me? 6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 7. Describe me in one word. 8. What was your first impression? 9. Do you still think that way about me now? 10. What reminds you of me? 11. If you could give me anything what would it be? 12. How well do you know me? 13. When's the last time you saw me? 14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? Can you tell me now? 15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you? | | Tuesday, January 11th, 2005 | | 10:16 pm |
Today was amazing
It's hard to find a place to start for this entry, since the beginning is.. difficult to really discern. But I'll try. Woke up after getting jack and/or shit for sleep the night before, went to work uber tired and found there to be nothing but busy work that the higher ups conjured out of literally nowhere for us to do. Well.. not all of us, but the late shift and select others at least. I tried to put up with it, but I'm none too fond of busy work, since I value the fuck out of my free time. In fact, I was helping a couple of co-workers to find certain boxes, and as they sifted through line of them, I simply laid down on top of another row and nearly fell asleep. Hey, I don't want to hear *any*thing about bad work ethic, okay? I did a damn good job on Monday, and there seriously wasn't any work to do. They had me doing bullshit, no question about it. In any case, I was taken off that assignment to help out with online orders (mostly because the job didn't benefit at all by having any more than two or so people on it. Extra people would end up doing nothing, or getting in the way) but once I began, I was informed that there were very few of those to be done, and no help was needed. I tell this to my manager, and she asks if I would like to go home. Guess my answer. Now, when I reported back to the people doing online orders (Russ and Jaime, very good friends of mine, no doubt everyone remembers Jaime) Russ asked me to stay so both he and Jaime could leave early too, once they were finished. Tried to find my manager to tell her the new plan, but couldn't, so Russ *let me go home* and even encouraged it. I felt bad for leaving them there :\ But I did it after apologizing to Russ. Thanks to him letting me go, I got to sit at home with some peace and quiet, lovely weather, and a comfy bed on which to take a nap (which I *rarely* take). Woke up after a couple hours, the TV still playing some good cartoons. So I grabbed some pizza, sat down and relaxed whilst vegetating. I'mma stop there, no more little details, they're sort of pointless now that I stop and think about it. For some reason, everything came together today to work out in my favor. Just got lucky, I imagine, and it ended up making me feel kickass. Like one morning a few years back when I woke up to get together with some friends to head for A-Kon. I've been saying it for a while now.. but life is good, even when I'm down. It sucks when the little things compound and make you feel bad, but when they come together on your side, it's a feeling you won't forget, and you should *cherish* it when it comes around. Pay attention to that, and I'm going to reiterate it because it bears reiteration. CHERISH IT WHEN IT COMES AROUND. Who knows how often you're going to get that in the future? Who says you'll be in a position to appreciate it then? You might never be able to really experience it the way you can *right now*, because you'll have new bonds and new scars, and new reasons for living. Tell the person you love that you love them the next chance you get, and when you do, put your heart into it, let it tint your voice and which words you use to say it. Or even better, put some action behind it, do something for them, and put your heart into *that* too. You might not be inspired to do it all the time, and that's normal, no worries.. hopefully they'll understand that too. There's no way I could be living the life I have right now if it wasn't for you guys. There's no way I could be as strong as I am now, or even be able to hold a candle to how happy you've made me, if you hadn't been there for me. I love you all, every last one of you, I really do. Current Mood: ecstaticCurrent Music: Hitomi Yaida - I Am | | Tuesday, December 21st, 2004 | | 5:39 pm |
Stolen from a very good friend of mine ^_^ I told her I'd post this on my LJ, and so here it be: 1. Reply to this post. Because I would like to say a couple words about you. 2. I will also tell you what songs remind me of you when I hear it. 3. I will also tell you what celebrity/movie character/public person you remind me of either personality-wise or looks-wise. 4. I will also give you ONE WORD I associate with you when I think of you. 5. We could all use a boost now and then. So steal this for your journal and make someone else's day as well. Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: A World In Piano (OC Remix) | | Tuesday, December 7th, 2004 | | 1:31 am |
| | Friday, September 24th, 2004 | | 1:23 am |
Survey!
Here's a survey I snagged from John's LJ, please fill it out and post it in the comments section of my journal ^_^ I'll be sure to fill out any of these that I see on a friend's LJ, as well. 1. Who are you? : 2. Are we friends? : 3. When and how did we meet? : 4. Do you (or did you ever) have a crush on me? : 5. Would you kiss me? : 6. Describe me in one word : 7. What was your first impression? : 8. Do you still think that way about me now? : 9. What reminds you of me? : 10. If you could give me anything what would it be? : 11. How well do you know me? : 12. When's the last time you saw me? : 13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? : 14. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you? : Current Mood: relaxedCurrent Music: Cowboy Bebop - Words That We Couldn't Say | | Saturday, August 14th, 2004 | | 1:34 am |
Bloo skies?
I've been good, things have been alright. Ups and downs, people being helped and hurt. A few strange things have happened, too, that I never thought I'd experience. It just didn't seem likely. I guess I took a few things for granted, and that made the impact of these events a little more shocking than they would've been if I'd just paid attention. Overall, I'm happy. I'm tired of people telling me "Matt, you need a girl.". Do not tell me this again. While I think it's probably true right now, I'd rather not be somebody who needs a relationship, or a partner just to get by alright. It's alright if other people feel they need that, but I'd rather stay away from it. I was a rather confused little mess for a bit, and enduring things instead of grabbing something that can make me *feel* happy (not necessarily *be* happy) has helped me to learn and understand more, and I'm sure that if I just keep this up for only a little longer then things will be even better. Then I'll have proved to myself that I don't *need* someone else like that, and I won't have to endure this all over again. John and Mike have been including me in their plans more often, and that makes me feel tons better. I would've settled with a phone call just to see how things were, but I can't complain here. Thanks much guys, I really appreciate it, and I apologize for being as insecure as I was. Speaking of those plans, J&M had invited me to see AVP on Thursday at midnight.. so I went. On top of that, Jaime had long made plans to see it on Friday, so I went to see it again after getting off work. Good movie, had much fun both times I went. I'm back into Gaia, and a faithful member of MK like I used to be. Might not seem like a big deal to everyone else, but it makes me glad. Great crew of people in MK. I have a new copy of 'Yourself or Someone Like You' by Matchbox 20, and I've been listening to it rather often lately, along with 'More Than You Think You Are'. I had forgotten just how much I liked Matchbox, and how much I could identify with my interpretations of quite a few of their songs. Big fan of the band. I have money! It's strange, and I don't even know what to buy, save a few things. I don't find DVDs attractive anymore, and clothes were never terribly important to me. I was never a big advocate of reading into the clothes people wear, and I think I look fine. Now, if I was out for a girl, that might change... but I'm not. Fun fun. I'm rarely home anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't reach me on my cell phone. You can even call me while I'm at work. Granted, I can't talk for long on it, but still. It's good being out and about all the time, though it gives me little time to work on D&D stuff. It's strange to say.. but life is good. Current Mood: goodCurrent Music: Matchbox 20 (Various Songs) | | Tuesday, July 20th, 2004 | | 8:57 pm |
A surprising journey.
I've been given quite a bit to think about in the past few days, especially concerning things, people, and ideals close to me. I can't thank Jaime enough for helping to bring these things to light, and offer me such support and guidance. While I'm sure he'll opt to be modest and say he's only opened a door or two, it feels like much more than that. I've come to realize that I don't really need my friends like I used to think I did. Even so, I'm blessed and happy to have them, but I can make it on my own. I can see the irony of having realized this through the aide of a friend, but a lesson learned is a lesson learned, no matter how you learned it. I've known for a long time that I prefer to dodge out of the way of things, instead of standing and dealing with them. I'm not used to these things actually hitting me, and what few things have hit me hard in the past have been bleeding all this time, because even then I found a way to pass it by.. even if only for a little while. I've got to change that, but to do so I'll have to be selfish, and not care so much about other people.. while still caring for them just as much at the same time. It makes sense, trust me. What sucks is that I've cared about people to such an extreme that it's come to the point where to get past it and think about myself, I've got to do something drastic just to shake myself out of it. I've helped and healed so many people in the past.. and those that I failed on, I still tried my best. Some people might doubt that I've done this, or that I didn't *really* help quite so many.. but I have. Most of them came and went, and just played a passing role in my life, I honestly can't remember many names. A lot of them never really appreciated it, and several more just picked up my friendship when they needed that reliable part of me, since help and advice were what I had to offer. So, when they didn't need that.. I wasn't so much a part of their life. I felt used. I was used. I never even got a fond farewell.. or any kind of farewell. I did love those people as friends, and now I've come to resent them, and throw them all into a stereotypical group. Great way for things to have turned out, yeah? I understand that this can happen, and it's something I should learn to cope with if I'm going to make it with my chin up. But I can't, it's just something I *can't* do. Why would they do that? How's that even possible? Am I really so loyal that I'm being treated like some dog that will come back and always love you no matter what you've done? That's something else I can't do, gullible as I am. If this is really how things are for these people, they sicken me.. and that's saying something. I'd love to be that person that stays the same, and that people can always turn to and find comfort in. Well, actually, I wouldn't.. things aren't the way I thought they were. I thought this sort of position would be held in high esteem and not taken for granted. I guess, in a way, this shows how far I wasn't willing to go for them.. and in a way I do feel sorry, and I do feel bad. Kind of pathetic, how I'm still thinking of them after being used. I also think I know why I've had the same nightmares over and over again when I'm in my room and *only* when I'm in my room. It's probably the same reason why I didn't sleep in my bed for such a long time. I can't tell you why, because I'm going to be nice again. But I do have a plan to try and fix that... and because of those nightmares I've never really had any *rest*. I've had sleep, I've even had *great* sleep, but no real rest. Not for my mind, and not for my heart. I was afraid of the place where I was supposed to be safe, the only place that was really supposed to be *mine*. I've hated change for so long, and with such an adamant feeling. I have a hard time coping with it, because I don't want to lose what I've come to love so much. I know a lot of you are probably thinking "Hey, I have to deal with it too, and I'm okay." you're not me.. I don't think you understand *how much* I want to keep those things in my life. It seems like I care about these things so much more than some/so many others, and I probably do. It's not like I look down on them for this, and I don't want them to get that idea. This is probably why I had such a hard time changing for whatever reason, or for why I was loathe to get a job, or why I've had trouble over not even hearing from friends very much. On to better and brighter things! Finally got to play D&D again, and it looks like I've got a fantastic crew to work with! I'm DMing for a little while, and the first session went swimmingly. Even ended up laughing until I fucking *wept*, was great. Lined up to play again this Saturday, and we're going to barbeque things to eat. All in all, I've been exceedingly well these past few days, and things seem like they'll get better. I'm learning how to cope, and a few other very important things as well. But, of course, just because I'm coping doesn't mean I'm okay with what was bothering me.. it just means I'm learning to deal with it's effect on me, and control that. Thanks again, Jaime, I really appreciate everything you've done for me. As for the journey bit.. I've come a long way from how I used to be, and in some ways I've taken a step back. Prompted by Jaime doing the same thing, I decided to check my old journal entries and see just how much has changed. A lot has changed. But here are just a few tidbits. Old journal post segments: "I admit that I don't talk with some of my friends half as much as I should like, or they deserve. I'm lucky to be around them as often as I am because I know a certain few who have rare opporunities to be with their friends." >>That's changed. I am, by my standards then, one of those people. By my standards today.. I get to see them or talk with them fairly often. By them I mean Jaime.<< "It seems as of late that everyone's got their problems, but unfortunately they've been holding things back, or inside. I don't blame them, because I tend to do the same and deal with it... or shrug it off.. or just forget about it. It isn't so good to do that because it really does tend to bite and eat away at you a bit." >>Proof of something that I've been doing for ages and still will do for some unknown amount of time in the future: I don't listen to my own advice. I crank some good stuff out there, and while I understand it, I don't apply it.<< "I used to be a major advocate of firm morals, and it used to be that just doing good in someone's life really was enough, even if they didn't acknowledge what I'd done in the least. Not so much anymore.." >>I'd say that the fact this is still true would be strange..but everybody has lost their scruples. *Everybody*, save maybe Michael Henderson, but I don't know what's going on with that kid at all. I feel like taking up morals again, but not to the strict extent I applied them before.<< Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: The Pillows - One Life | | Monday, July 12th, 2004 | | 4:30 pm |
A job? OMGWTF LOL
So I've a job at last. I work with my damn good friend Jaime at Disc Logistics. We work in a warehouse doing various things concerning used DVDs, CDs, and games. It's okay, but it gets me cash, so I tolerate it well enough I guess. There are some things about having a job that I'm surprised to find aren't so bad, and others that are just as bad as I'd thought. All in all, I *am* sorry I got pulled into getting a job, but I need it. Bah, not enough time to make a longer update. I'll do that another day. Current Mood:  restlessCurrent Music: Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me | | Wednesday, June 16th, 2004 | | 3:26 am |
Music!
Is it even possible that music is a key component in the glue that holds me and my life together? If there's a slight possibility of this, I think that's what's happening. This is why I need implants in my ears that I can turn off and on, and act like a CD player.. letting me sift through music at my leisure to listen to whenever I please. Been talking about nearly everything with Jaime lately, and it seems like we're pretty comfy, sitting back and sorting things out at a simple pace. Even these complicated drama situations are being shredded apart and sized up in a single, short talk when we bounce things off each other. Just chilling and talking, for the most part. Hopefully, we're going to get into a serious game of 4-player Halo today. Totally looking forward to it. Also looking forward to just hanging with the Hendersons again, and talking with Amy. She expressed an interest in becoming better friends.. but of course nothing too close, which I agree wholeheartedly with, and I'd be more than happy to become better friends. I do wonder what J&M have been up to. Been talking with Nic frequently, and that's always a good thing, I really appreciate that she still wants to talk with me, even though it's long distance. Huh... it looks like music and friends have become my life, at least a good majority of it. At least no significant portion is drama! ^_^ W00t! I'm finding it somewhat hard to just cut being altruistic though :\ It just seems so mean to not help someone I care for when they need it. Even if it didn't seem to mean, I know I couldn't help but do it, I guess this sort of thing is just instilled a little deeper in me than I thought. Current Mood: SmoothCurrent Music: Warehouse - Dave Matthews Band | | Monday, June 7th, 2004 | | 4:10 pm |
Good old days.
I'm updating for once. It happens, no alarm, just chill. I would make an ungodly large update, but a lot of things that have happened in the past just don't matter quite so much, and there are others I'd rather not reflect on *right now*, and typing them up would force me to do that. What I will type up isn't going to be organized, like always, I'll just throw it out when it comes to mind. Still no job, though I've really tried to snag one lately. Since I haven't had any calls about my first fairly large set of applications, I have very little hope of getting a job any time soon. Doesn't sit well with me, but I can deal. Things have been.. pretty rocky at times, smooth at others, and every now and then I catch a moment or two of bliss.. or at least, it's bliss as far as I can tell, there's probably something better out there, but I'm good. I'll repeat that, because it bears repeating: I'm good. Things got *real* bad for a while, some nights I couldn't even fall asleep without having the TV on, because my mind would wander without something to keep it even slightly amused, and that would lead to me feeling depressed. My life does still suck a bit, but I've got friends and good times to help ease the pain. I'm working on the whole 'life sucks' bit, trying to at least get myself a job. Speaking of those friends, I'm going to throw a *big* 'thank you!' to Jaime. I really appreciate his efforts to get me through this one way or another, and for taking me along to a get together or two of his. Been good seeing new people, and just chilling with one of my best friends. You've been a huge help, Jaime, and I don't think I could convey just how much I appreciate it here on a LJ post. You're a real friend, guy. Likewise, I'd like to thank Casey in a hardcore fashion.. though he doesn't even know my LJ exists. Just an all around cool guy who has a much deeper side to him if you look for it, he's probably the most loyal person I know, and I'm extremely grateful for it. In them, and last night at J&M's, and especially at A-Kon I found a feeling reminiscent of some of the best days of my life, and all the holes that had been punched in me, and my heart, were gone. Just the way things physically *looked* was much better,a long with just about everything else. I can't exclude Nicole in my thanks, not by a longshot. You've been a huge help in the healing process, believe it or not, and I'm not sure I've ever thanked you enough for how you've treated me over the many years I've known you. The time I spent at A-Kon with you was amazing, and I won't forget it. While I do have others to show my appreciation to, I want to stress those I've thanked up to this point. Thank you J&M, you've been constant friends to me for as long as I can remember, and lately you've helped me take a look at things in angles I'd not have noticed without you. Thanks for keeping me on my feet. Thank you Amy, for still trying to be my friend after all that's happened. I really appreciate it. The days we shared together really do mean a lot to me, I won't forget them, and I still cherish them, and all the things that remind me of them. If you don't believe me, as I'm sure you've doubts about so many things I say, it doesn't matter anymore, I don't need for you to believe it. I'm tired of wondering if you'll really listen to something I say. That said, I'm tired of the drama, too. Fed up with it, and I *want* no more. Notice that I'm stressing the word 'want'. I'll have to go through a little more, at least, of course. But if I'm not as into anybody's lives, or if I'm none too enthused about pursuing someone else's problems, that's why. Granted, if someone were to really express a compassion for the way things are going in my life, I'mm gladly reciprocate, but I'm not going to be as altruistic as I used to be. I'm totally fucking tired of being altruistic (as much as I used to be, anyway) and not even getting recognized, or properly thanked for it, and especially when I don't even get a slight amount of reciprocation from it. Fuck you, drama, I'll see you in hell. A-Kon was fantastic, even though we only went one day, really. We didn't even have a room, and we couldn't have been organized to save our lives.. but I had a *ton* of fun. Nicole was a total sweetheart, and fantastic in other respects, as well as great company! XD For everyone else's sake, I'll not go into details here, sorry Nic. Casey was awesome, and my brother was being a bit of a dick nearly the whole con. Saturday was the first time in my whole life that I had a song stuck in my head for the *whole* day. From the moment I woke until the moment I fell asleep. It was a very popular song Maroon 5 performed, though I can't remember the name of it. "This love has taken it's toll on me.." that's part of the song.. and I'm sure that some people will catch on to what it is just from that. Not sure I can stress how unbelievable the con was, but I have Nic and Case to thank for it, I know that. I think I've gone on long enough for one entry.. so I'll end it here. If there are a few important events I didn't go over.. oh well. At the moment, I feel fantastic! Oh, and The Pillows kick my ass XD Current Mood: highCurrent Music: The Pillows - HYBRID RAINBOW | | Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 | | 12:44 pm |
I think I'm cursed
So I got my wisdom teeth removed. It wasn't anywhere near as big a deal as I'd made it out to be, just like everyone had said. The worst part was actually just the IV, and by the time it was in me, the laughing gas had me to the point where I didn't really care. I was numb. Actually, they even put me under, which I wasn't expecting, and neither was my family.. though that isn't to say I didn't appreciate it. Three of my wisdom teeth were already erupted, or pushed up out of the gums like normal teeth, but the fourth was completely sideways. I was pretty fortunate, since the erupted teeth came out just like any other tooth would, and they didn't prove a problem at all. The last tooth, my lower right one, had to be removed by an incision in my gums. Before the operation began, I was told that a very small part of my jaw would have to be removed as well.. but it turns out that didn't have to happen after all. When I finally woke up, I was back home.. I spent the next couple of days drifting in and out of sleep, watching TV, and thinking. Eventually I felt well enough to get on the computer and goof around, but I didn't have anyone to talk to, and I wasn't in the mood for games, so I thankfully decided to try and learn something. I turned to writing, and scoured the net for a few tips on technique before actually trying my hand at anything. I didn't get a whole lot of actual writing done, but I'm glad I did it all the same. I do realize that I don't separate anything by paragraph in my entries, but it's not a big deal.. this is just rambling, and talking, so separating ideas isn't really an issue since rambling isn't often organized. Anyway, I woke up and discovered that I had small red marks all over my chest.. my father recently had poison ivy, so I guessed that I had been afflicted. After consulting with my mother on the issue, I came to discover it wasn't poison ivy.. so I went to the doctor with my brother, who is sick right now. I'm inspected, and diagnosed with pityriasis. Pityriasis is, as I was told, a non-contagious, inflammatory skin disorder that affects the torso. It's like a faint rash, and can last from 5 weeks to 4 fucking months. All it does is itch every now and then.. that's it, that's all the disorder does. I'm grateful that it's a ridiculously harmless disorder, but I'm going to be stuck with it for a while.. so I'll have small red spots on me for some time. Hooray. On to other things.. I think I'm changing again, and I'm pushing for it to be a good change, and by pushing I mean that I'm actually making an effort. I think that I have a fear of failure, I've thought about all the artistic projects I've tried to do but never really finished, even if I had a strong desire to do them at first. Things like writing, or art are abstract in that they don't have any definite process, while science and math most often do. Two plus two is four, I succeeded in solving this problem.. I didn't stop in the middle, I didn't question myself or try and abandon it because there was a specific structure to it that I'm aware of. I started a lot of drawings a long time ago, but never really finished very many.. that's almost as bad as failing, maybe even worse, but it's not a literal failure. I started writing poems or stories with the same results. I'm almost certain I have a fear of failure, and the only way to really do anything about it is to just face it, and I'm going to try. I've also decided to start applying for jobs again as soon as I can, and I'm going to speak with my parents about furthering my formal education. I think the next semester starts in January, but I'm not sure. I'll have to be serious about it though, which means sacrificing some time with friends, and with myself.. but I actually think that's okay now. I don't need people to congratulate me on anything yet, though. I need them to give me a little slack, and be happy and hopeful for me.. but at the same time hold back a little, and keep an eye on me, maybe be a little doubtful. I'd really like them to keep an open mind on trusting me, even if I'm not the worthiest person of something like that. Things noteably went downhill right after I broke up with Amy. I used to think I was numb, that numb was just how I was, and that was that. I think now that I wasn't ever really numb, but I was scared. Numb is what I was at the oral surgeon's office. If I was numb, it wouldn't have hurt so much when Amy referred to how I felt about her with the word love in quotes, or when she decided that she might want to just go ahead and date someone to get over me. If I was numb, I wouldn't have made the decision to break up with her in the first place. I think that I was scared. I think that I've kept an easygoing attitude because I was scared to really get involved in anything. I know now that I broke up with Amy because the relationship was asking for something rather serious, and I was afraid to get that involved and to really make a personal commitment. I think that I hate myself for it now, and I know that I was being stupid. I think that I want to get back together with her. I think that I'm finally thinking, and not just relying on intuition, or sitting down and watching things pass me by. I started this entry with the wrong title, and I'm not quite so sad anymore, though I did cry. I don't know what the title should be now, but I'm feeling refreshed, among other things. Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: None | | Tuesday, November 11th, 2003 | | 2:16 am |
Been thinking, oddly enough, lately. Mostly about this and that, but most importantly about myself. I have decided that by my standards I, as I am now, suck. Quite a bit, too. But that's alright, mostly because I have to live with it, until I do something. I do feel motivated to act at the time, but whether or not that's going to stick.. that's a different story. I pray it does, but I've been in this situation before, and it hasn't in the past. This Friday I will, health permitting, have my wisdom teeth finally pulled. I'd actually just like to get it over with, even if it might hurt like hell, and I'll probably have a mouthful of blood at any given time. The whole blood thing is just a tad unnerving for me, but I do need to quit being such a baby, and get over it. I'm still just a kid, I think, and I also think that I used to be more grown up than I am now. I do feel I need to quit just accepting a situation, and do something about it once in a while, if not more often than that. I'll probably step on some toes along the way, but it needs to be done, so maybe being a bit more of an uptight person wouldn't hurt... at least for now. I used to be a major advocate of firm morals, and it used to be that just doing good in someone's life really was enough, even if they didn't acknowledge what I'd done in the least. Not so much anymore.. I mean, while I don't entirely agree with the set of morals I have now, the ideas behind certain morals honestly shouldn't exist, and more than a fair amount shouldn't be taken to the extremes that I used to take them to. Being easygoing is nice, as is not having to do a thing.. at least, for a while. There's no relaxation left in it, and it honestly has come to the point of wearing me out.. which doesn't seem to make much sense at first, but in the end, it's hard to think that someone couldn't see it coming. In any case.. I'm going to guess I'll be, to an extent, debilitated from the whole wisdom teeth thing. While that does shut the door on going out and doing something, which I've wanted to do deperately for the past little while, it will probably allow me the right setting to affirm some things with myself. I'm thinking that tomorrow.. or today, whatever, if I wake up early enough, I'll go up to Putt-Putt and play DDR by my lonesome. I've wanted to play again for a while now, but it seems like I can't ever really get plans set and firmed with Ryan. I've especially wanted to run the D&D adventure I've made.. but for the past month or so, Casey has been bogged down with work every weekend. I'd love to just cut him out of the game, but.. then what? Who else would play in his stead? Plus, I don't really want to play at my house.. mostly due to parents and such little room. The fact that we probably won't ever really get this campaign off the ground has really stunted my expansion on the world.. I would seriously do it, if I knew someone would be there to appreciate it. There really just isn't much of a point right now. I also thought I'd try my hand at drawing again.. but I haven't pushed myself to do it yet. Blah blah blah. I've run out of juice, though I know there's a lot more to say. That's enough for now, though. Chances are, I'm missing something extremely obvious, something unbelievably simple that could solve my problems. Chances are, I'm being stupid. Current Mood: Semi-depressedCurrent Music: Inuyasha - Still Alone | | Tuesday, October 14th, 2003 | | 10:20 pm |
So today was pretty smooth, I woke up around 10:30 or so, only to find that Ryan had failed to call me so we could go play DDR at the business convention *again*. I doubt he'll call me tomorrow, actually.. so, I'm just going to forget it. In any case, I fell asleep again and woke up around 3 o.o;; Then I just lay in bed for thirty minutes.. got up, goofed off on the computer by posting around Gaia. Apparantly I was givena position in the Mortal Kombat thread as Bizarro Captain 0bvious... the rival of Captain 0bvious. So, all in all, I'm a small celebrity on the General Discussion forum.. since most everyone knows my name. I also made my 1000th post much earlier today ::Nod nod:: Around 7 I called Amy, and we talked for a while ^_^ I'm extremely glad things have worked out as well as they have, and that we're still as close as we are. I do still love her.. it's just that things need to change if we're to really be together and stay together. I'll try, I really will, for her. Umm... saw some Halloween decorations today, someone in the neighborhood decided to go all out with their yard.. tons of lights, lil 2D graves, blow up ghosts, pumpkins, a humongous spider, a vampire... la-dee-dah, everything. Meh... once Halloween does roll around, though, my wisdom teeth are being yanked.. 8AM exactly. Current Mood: goodCurrent Music: Utada Hikaru - Simple and Clean PlantitB Mix | | Sunday, October 12th, 2003 | | 2:03 am |
 You are Peace. You are at peace with your self and the world around you. You have balance in your life and exude tranquility from every pore of your body. People are constantly asking you "what is your secret?" What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
What color are you? (Anime Pictures) brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: Akeboshi - Wind (Naruto Ending Theme) | | Friday, October 10th, 2003 | | 5:41 am |
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alexsilverblade's journal
